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Jun 29, 2016
1:00:04pm
bluebloodedcoug All-American
POLL: POLL: What would you do?
You meet your soul mate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson's gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper philosophy." Also, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear--for the rest of your life--sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).

There is one exception to taking the pill to prevent your soulmate's broken collarbones: Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that--for some reason--every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots. However, if you fail you must choose from two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal tortoise; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the tortoise, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for thirty years, at all times maintaining skin to skin contact with the tortoise. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room permanently. Display of the skull must be apolitical.



bluebloodedcoug
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bluebloodedcoug
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