and today I repost it, with two additions from HoustonCougar:
Since this appears to be the season of Divorce and Breakups, and having recently called off an engagement myself, I have decided that I am entitled to a couple days of bitterness, and free flowing thought without the fear of someone kicking me in the bernards. Those of you who find yourselves in that wonderful world of “single adult dating” (ie 31+), will appreciate this, as you are already banished to the dating pool of LDSMingle, Blind Dates, and the Island of the misfit toys (The single adult ward). Those who have not experienced this, probably wont understand, but should probably save it for reference just in case.
May I present . .Bucko’s dating tips for the older man in Utah.
You will find that most women over 30 (and the ones you are or will be going out with) will fall in one of the following categories:
Damsel in Distress – Usually in debt up to their eyeballs, and looking for someone to bail them out. Often has multiple children, with different fathers. Never went to college, and despite being a checker at Wal-Mart, expects your salary to be sufficient to pay off the 30k of credit card debt, and the bill to the plastic surgeon.
The Educator – Usually a teacher in Jr high or High school. Does not like being called a teacher because they believe it is demeaning (much like a Janitor prefers to be called a custodial engineer). Has a HUGE chip on their shoulder, and is convinced that they are smarter than all the single men out there (including you) and is determined to prove it. From September through June feels unjustly oppressed by the state due to low wages, and is convinced that the state will implode within the next 5 years because of the low funding of schools. (despite the long line of other teachers who are currently graduating and staying in Utah). Loves their job from June through August.
Crazy Glue – will accuse you of leading them on because after meeting them for the first time, you were not interested. If by chance there is a second date, she will be by your side at all times, and will start making plans for you to meet her parents. Can be like a lost puppy at times.
Dr Jeckyll and Ms. Hyde – these are very abundant. They claim to be innocent little do gooders, looking for a righteous man. They use sex to find that man. Will often shed clothing on a first date so long as you buy her dinner before/after. Men often find both Jekyll & Hyde attractive, but the hypocrisy of both in one package drives them nuts.
The Sugar Addict – this is the money hungry woman. They have all the nice stuff, and dress like a million bucks. They will bolt from church early so she can get to the church parking lot before everyone else and see which guy is driving the nice (and expensive) car. Will often discuss money, and demand a “certain lifestyle”. Often drinks bottled water and eats expensive chocolates during church.
The lesbian – always wants the two of you to do things with her girlfriends. If you plan a date, she will often suggest that afterwards you and her swing by her girlfriends house to play games. Becomes obvious when you are consistently the only guy in the crowd.
The Hillary – is on a super power trip. Is convinced that she will single handedly erase racism, sexism, and any other ism that she can grasp onto. Is pro abortion, pro socialism, and pro anything that might open more doors for her. Is generally pissed off that she did not come with her own male genitals.
The Vampire – She has no reflection. She is looking for a Brad Pitt look-a-like, and usually thinks she looks just like Angelina Jolie. In reality she looks more like Rosanne Barr but with less personality. If she sends you a picture, it will either be one of her 19yr old sister, one taken when she was 19, or an abstract shot where she peeking around from behind a tree, or where you can only see one of her eyebrows.
Sneaky Pete – Always wants to be the one that calls you. Never lets you pick her up, always meets you at the destination. Will often use the excuse that she lives so far away, she does not want to burden you with the expense of the drive. Usually married, engaged, or living with her boyfriend.
Mommy Dearest – Since she has been married 3-4 times, she knows more about relationships than you do, and will make sure you realize it.
Judge Judy – Since her last husband/boyfriend was a porn addict, abuser, emotionally withdrawn, you are too. Get used to it, because nothing will convince her otherwise.
The adolescent – Nothing is ever their fault. You can catch them in bed with their ex-boyfriend, and its your fault because you forgot to say “I love you” and hand her chocolates as you opened the door for them. You forced them to cheat on you.
The Psycho – This one has visions . . .regularly . . . and is not afraid to share . . often at inappropriate times. Will often be on her own planet and in her own conversation, which has no relation to the reality at hand.
The hottie – nice gal, decent looking . . . but shallow. Is looking for the same in a guy, but complains that they are all shallow.
Dr. Dolittle – Is in love with her 10 cats and 2 dogs, and cannot dicuss any topic outside of cats. House smells of cat pee, and there is often turds scattered throughout the yard.
Dr. Do-Little – BORING. Sits at home (usually with parents) waiting for mister right, and is angry that the doorbell has not rung in the last 38 years.
Sister Perfect – Sister perfect is not perfect as the name would imply, however she is looking for Mr. Perfect, and every date is a pass/fail test. One wrong word, or the slightest indication of falling short of perfection and its over.
Sister Missionary – She was “called” to be single. Has had many opportunities to get married, but she hides her fear of commitment behind the veil of being called to a higher calling, as if God himself has chosen her to face this trial, and he also personally delivered the message. Also known as Sherry Dew Syndrome.
Living in a box – Has never left home, or the town they live in, except the 18 months they served a mission to Reno, NV, and also the time when dad took the family to Disneyland in 1988. Usually from Ogden.
Hermana Senora - this one needs a green card to stay. I had something clever written up, but since a green card is pretty much all I have to offer a woman . .I decided to retract it
Best of luck to you boys. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and I am wearing meat flavored underpants.
And from HoustonCougar:
The Mover/Shaker Career Woman: Is debt free and travels a lot, not spending enough time in one place to have a real relationship of substance. She wants to be a mother, but not a mom (day care can raise her kids, because her career is too important for her to do it herself).
The triathlete/marathoner: Has the need for artificial measurements of success. She's always talking about the gym and is continually setting new personal bests. The triathlete/marathoner's attempt at physical conquest is not usually a successful way of covering her OCD. Must prove to herself that she's capable of accomplishing something of substance, as her relationships have not provided this.