for lunch (we had an open campus back then). So I am sitting in math class and my stomach is getting rock hard, I am so bloated. My teacher was a jerk and had a no bathroom visit policy, so I had to hold it. The problem was, I always sat in the back and had hot chicks sitting in front and to the side of me, so I coulnd't sneak one out. My buddy was on my left. I leaned over and told him I was about to explode with gas. He says, "me too". A few minutes later, he rips one. SBD. These girls immediately look around and can see I am dying in the smell and I do one of these

So these girls are about wretching because it smells like a dead animal back there.  So I think, here is my chance!  If I rip one now and it stinks, they will think it is my buddy again.  So I lift a cheek to point toward my friend and let it go.  The problem is the contents were under so much pressure it was like opening a soda can after you shake it for 3 minutes.

I immediately realize this was bad.  VERY bad.  Worse, it just kept coming and I could not stop it.  After about 5 seconds of pure horrored shock, I got up and RAN out of class, leaving my books and stuff.  By then it was running down my leg.  As I hit the door, the teacher yelled, hey Z, you can't leave here!  Luckily the bathroom was right around the corner, but I was leaving a little brown spot with every step.  I was MORTIFIED.

So I get to the bathroom and take about 10 minutes to finish getting rid of everything I had eaten for an entire decade, all the time with poopy pants hanging around my ankles and *stuff* dripping into my shoes.  I took it all off and after using three rolls of TP to wipe myself off, I timidly walk out to the sink, plop my pants and shoes on the sink counter (threw the tighty whiteys and socks in the garbage), and am standing there in all my glory.  I used paper towels that I got wet to get the rest of my relatively clean.  I throw my shirt back on and have filled up the sink with water and am rinsing out my poopy pants when the bell rings.  I swear it didn't even finish ringing when the door opened an 5-6 guys walk in and immediately yell about the smell.  Then one steps in one of the "drops".  I can hear them coming in, but there is nowhere to hide.

So they round the corner and I am standing there in a shirt that is dripping wet on the botton, with nothing on below the waste, and I am rinsing out my poopy pants and shoes.  I have never been so embarrassed in all my life.  They harrass me to no end and go out in the hall and recruit other harrassers.  My buddy came in to see how I was doing, but just laughed at me and left.  Another friend came in and I convinced him to go get my gym stuff out of my locker and bring it to me.  Once I got my clothes, I just threw my pants away and took my shoes home in my gym bag.

I went into my 5th period class and the entire school already knew.  The janitor had been called to clean up the "trail" and the mess I made in the bathroom.  I got called to the dean's office.  I knew I was going to get chewed on.  And I did, but good.  And then MY MOM CAME.  Horror of horrors!!!  She had a paper sack filled with clean clothes and was so sweet, but in context?!!  The student aids (other kids working in the office) heard her say, "Honey, I brought you some clean underpants." after which she lifted them up out of the bag!!!!!!  I wanted to crawl in a hole and die right there on the spot.

My nickname in school was "Ribs" because I was so skinny.  After that, everyone called me Ribs, Pants *Crapper* (expletive replaced), or RPS for short.  The news of my Mom coming to the office quickly spread too.  Kids would yell out, "Hey, PS (I have shortened it for your delicate eyes), I have some clean underpants for you, hahahahaha."  I wanted to move to the next town where nobody called me RPS, but my parents wouldn't hear of it.  I ran away at 17 and joined the navy to get out of there.  They didn't know where I was until I was already on a cruiser in the middle of the ocean.