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Oct 10, 2018
MatthiasG All-American
How to blow up a family shindig in 3 simple steps& BIL wanna murder you
***repost, yesterday’s deleted

My BIL is one of those guys that thinks his humor is top shelf. But, 98% of the time it goes over like a turd in the punchbowl. He got his grubby mitts on my phone, and sent an email to a couple dozen friends & family from my contact list, as if I was inquiring about some lady or dating website.

Before I even rec’d a “WHat the?” Response from anyone, I caught it and emailed him. “Dude, why would you do that?” He went on w explanation & how proud he was of himself.

I promptly forwarded the email exchange of his confession & glee w explanation & original email to everyone who receved it. Needless to say, it backfired on him & he took fire from all directions. I patiently hid in the tall grass, waiting for the perfect ambush opportunity. To serve up that revenge casserole cold & cunning.

Reminding him my return of the favor would catch him unawares, and have the same number of witnesses his prank did. The antici——-pation was driving him crazy. Months past, then a year, and I would simply give him a creepy expression that resembled The Grinch’s sinister grin. Didn’t say much, I Just kept adding pressure until, as my Grandma said “He’s more nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full o’ rocking chairs.” The South has all the great quips & sayings.

Weeks ago in August, a family reunion type shindig brought us all together. I’d prepared, I just needed him to hit the bathroom. The chatter had died down, and the bathroom was only 10-12 feet away. And yes, he is that guy that drops a dirty deuce right there, instead of using any of the 3 upstairs. No lit match, just a heinous eyebrow melting stank that requires yellow police tape across the door for the next 2 weeks for safety reasons. He goes in, and I’m already dialing, ready to hit “call.”

Suddenly, faaaaaaaht, big faaaht, loud fabric ripping fart sound w toilet bowl echo reverb. buhhhhhh, of various types across the flatulence spectrum, mixed in for variety & maximum effect. It was much louder than I anticipated. And the entire room went silent. Some baffled, others confused, and a few w a smile starting to emerge.

I had made a gnar gnar nasty sound effect. Made it my ringtone and taped my phone to the back of a garbage can in the bathroom. Low tech, no tech OG style effects. I was counting on him not being able to find it. Within 3 seconds, anyone under 21 could no longer hold back, the cackling began.

I could hear him scrambling around in there. Then silence. By the time I hit redial for round 2, anyone and everyone, age 5 to 92 were roaring w laughter. I fully expected him to come running out. Nope. I was laughing so hard, tears were streaming. I managed to go for round 3, and he still didn’t exit stage left.

Because my brother and I knew it wasn’t real, it took us a min. to realize. Everyone else in that room thought it was real. So of course, nonstop 60 sec worth of motor boat blaster, and it’s just not stopping. People were losing it, no matter how they tried. my nephew blew a big snot farmer blow, 2 were on all fours pleading to make it stop. Then, finally, my phone in hand, zipper still down, he shot outta there and my direction. Ignoring the concern & questions “are u okay? Sick? He was a freight train o’ ill intent coming fast. I’ve never seen someone who wanted to cave my face in so bad. Well, except for Polygamist day at Lagoon and 10-12 teenagers caught us Yogi’ing their KFC. They would’ve killed us. Girls in prairie dresses & bonnets, big bull boys in overalls. Their attire did not slow them down. That’s a story for another time.

Gesturing as if to throw my phone in my face, he looked serious. thanks to my wax on, wax off training(I work in a salon 😉 ) I snatched it out of his hand. The whole famdamily then realized wasss up. I was irritated he felt it rumble worthy, so I reminded him why he had such an explosive attack.

He wasn’t chilling out at all. Until someone spoke up, “what u did To Matty Nice was far worse dude. Nasty website!!.” It was the Choctaw Cambodian, aka Cam my little bro. Though violence was no longer on the menu, that party was O-VER. Well, kind of. Once BIL & my sister left, everyone looked at each other in silence for a few seconds, and then it was back on, like Donkey Kong. We busted up all over again. That kind of belly laugh is good for the soul. Bil’s fine w me now. He just doesn’t mess w me much. I kinda wish he would. Making it look like a family man is messing around isn’t cool. Payback had to deliver that msg w extreme prejudice. I had the trickster gene since diapers. And though I wear old man diapers now, I still got the gene. Full on, me gone.




Stay Frosty, Stay Aerodynamic. Thank You, Drive Through
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