For this account, I’m going to share what is probably too much information about my current digestive system. In trying to put this delicately, I’ve had an issue, so to speak, where I need to go urgently and frequently to sit down in the bathroom. I think you catch my drift, if not literally.

Anyway, a short time ago was just such an instance. I made it to the restroom at work, as my eyes were starting to water, and pushed the door open. Some dude was in there, pacing in front of the sinks, talking loudly, and animatedly on his phone. It was awkwardly loud, and I contemplated for just a second going to a bathroom on another floor, but the immediate need won out and I went into the first stall and shut the door.

Now, this may sound silly to some of you, and again oversharing, but it’s a little embarrassing having everybody knowing you have diarrhea. I’ve gotten into the habit of putting one of the sanitary toilet covers (butt gaskets) down to sort of break the fall, and also prevent splash back. I did that, then sat down for an extended period of business.

Right at this moment, another poor soul came in. Phone yeller dude seemed to be closer to the urinals than before, so the new guy took the urinal right on the other side of the barrier from me. I can only guess what happened through the barrier, but I assume phone yeller decided he had to urinate as well (probably why he was in there in the first place).

There was a slight “wumpf” on the barrier next to me. I think the new guy probably leaned away from phone yeller. I’m already feeling a little awkward, sitting there like Rodin’s lesser-known work “The Stinker”, but new guy is just right there now.

And yeller dude is still carrying on about his very important topic: academic institutions and why they even have sports teams. Seriously dude? This is what you’re angry about in the men’s room at work? And, please don’t think too poorly of me for this, but his thick accent made him sound like a Simpson’s caricature. I thought of a terrible pun which you can probably guess, and I’ll add that I also wondered if Asquirt was somebody’s name somewhere.

At this moment, almost as if my juvenile humor had summoned it, an unfortunate blast came out. I quite literally broke my sound barrier. New guy seemed a little startled by it because he pushed off the stall wall. Then he swore angrily at the other guy. “Dude, you just peed on me!”

I can only guess what happened in that chain reaction. Did phone yeller get too careless with his aim while talking animatedly on the phone? Did the new guy’s leap of surprise take him too far the other way? To pee or not to pee is the question both of those guys probably wished they had asked themselves.

I struggled to keep it together after that—I mean laughing, of course. It was pretty difficult, though, as you can imagine. Thankfully both the other guys had left the room, so I could finish up the paperwork and exit without further awkwardness.