1. When it comes to the modern craft burger, there's such a thing as getting too cute. If you put arugula on it, it's too cute. Knock it off.

2. Not every burger needs bacon, but you better have a real good reason for leaving it off. (For instance, possibly the best burger I've ever had (Leroy & Lewis, Austin TX) had no bacon, but probably 17 out of my top 20 have it.)

3. American cheese is fine. In fact, it's the cheese of choice. If you're too good for American cheese then move to France.

4. Whoever thinks putting condiments (we really should start looking for a new word to call this) below the patty is a dummy. Not a nice thing to say, but it's warranted here, because you're also the same person who drives slow in the left lane.

5. Finally, anyone who thinks a patty should not be seasoned has no taste buds.