Mitch Hedberg has a ton of these. Here's my favorite:

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Sep 17, 2014
3:23:52pm

byujacob

Mitch Hedberg has a ton of these. Here's my favorite:

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

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byujacob

New username: jacobugath
Bio page: byujacob
Joined: Apr 15, 2008
Last login: Sep 28, 2022
Total posts: 0 (0 FO)

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Messages

Author

Time

Favorite Comedian's one liner's post them here....

capo

9/17/14 3:22pm

Rectum? Darn near killed him!

John Doe

9/17/14 3:23pm

Mitch Hedberg has a ton of these. Here's my favorite:

byujacob

9/17/14 3:23pm

If you are flammable and have legs, you can never be blocking a fire exit...

9/17/14 3:25pm

An escalator can never break.. it just becomes stairs..

capo

9/17/14 3:26pm

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.

fredgarvin

9/17/14 3:43pm

Take my wife. Please!

Indy Coug

9/17/14 3:24pm

There are two types of people in this world;

Anae4Anae

9/17/14 3:27pm

JS-Men don’t care what’s on TV… they only care what else is on TV

capo

9/17/14 3:27pm

for some reason my fave line of his is about the #1 dad shirts: "i don't know

9/17/14 3:41pm

Pants always beats no pants

BlueOptimist

9/17/14 4:23pm

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never

riboflavin

9/17/14 3:27pm

"The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me."

9/17/14 3:27pm

Speaking of SW-"99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name"

capo

9/17/14 3:28pm

I wanna get a tattoo over my whole body of me... but taller.

TheRowdy

9/17/14 3:39pm

Why dont I have a tattoo? Would you put a bumper sticker on a ferrari?

anonymous37

9/17/14 3:29pm

Just got back from a pleasure trip. Took my mother-in-law to the airport.

BW84

9/17/14 3:29pm

"Give him another fry...he'll pay it forward"

byuguns55

9/17/14 3:30pm

The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself. -LCK

Anae4Anae

9/17/14 3:30pm

The most beautiful women in the world are Thai men

LifeLongLakerFan

9/17/14 3:32pm

I didn't say it.

LifeLongLakerFan

9/17/14 5:08pm

I think it's funny.

flavordave

9/17/14 5:09pm

My grandfather had the heart of a Lion and

Anae4Anae

9/17/14 3:34pm

"4 kids? That's one way to live your life."

NOCAL_YFAN

9/17/14 3:35pm

I wanted to play ice hockey-my dad said wait until it gets warmer-R. Dangerfield

osbooks

9/17/14 3:36pm

corny jokes are the worst!

riboflavin

9/17/14 3:40pm

then don't look down a few threads, you may pass out from the bad puns

osbooks

9/17/14 3:42pm

"The internet is an infinite well of nothing, and when you’re there, you’re

mr_thekid

9/17/14 3:37pm

I remember how, in college, I got this part-time job as a circus clown, and how

Anae4Anae

9/17/14 3:38pm

Probably the hardest thing in anyone's life is when they have to kill a

Buton777

9/17/14 3:40pm

I intend to live forever. So far, so good

CougarMike

9/17/14 3:40pm

A lot of people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

CougarMike

9/17/14 3:40pm

What's another word for Thesaurus?

CougarMike

9/17/14 3:41pm

The boneless chicken . . . is the hardest chicken to catch.

PlanoCougar

9/17/14 3:41pm

You can't have everything - where would you put it?

9/17/14 3:42pm

what's the deal with ovaltine?

erkimust

9/17/14 3:42pm

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Anae4Anae

9/17/14 3:43pm

I love me some Jim Gaffigan

Duke Silver

9/17/14 3:45pm

Another

Duke Silver

9/17/14 3:46pm

RE: Favorite Comedian's one liner's post them here....

AKcoug

9/17/14 3:49pm

Studies show that women who carry xtra weight liv longer thn men who bring it up

Anae4Anae

9/17/14 3:51pm

Anything that Jack Handy says....

cougarnerd

9/17/14 4:02pm

RE: Anything that Jack Handy says....

capo

9/17/14 4:03pm

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction,

cocktosten

9/17/14 4:53pm

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere,

cocktosten

9/17/14 4:20pm

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot - Stephen Wright

carlstud

9/17/14 4:44pm

Whenever I've been broke, I've always bought good toilet paper. The bills are

ByuImaginesDragons

9/17/14 8:41pm

Kid turns around and kills himself falling out of the building. This is called

ByuImaginesDragons

9/17/14 8:43pm

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