Scene: James and Mallory talking about a book they just read.

JAMES
So I thought Harry Potter was a seriously overhyped book. I was literally dragged through its pages squirming, gasping, and wincing. I just didn’t think the story was structured very good.

Out pops Captain Literally and the Good and Well Duo.

GOOD AND WELL DUO
Good and well are different!!

They kick him in the face. Captain Literally throws the book on the ground, muscles James on top of it and drags him across it as James squirms, gasps, and winces.

CAPTAIN LITERALLY
The first one was to restore balance…

Captain Literally drags James through the book again

CAPTAIN LITERALLY
…and that one was for not liking Harry Potter. That’s messed up. Balance restored!

Mallory looks shocked but then her expression turns to a knowing smile as a light turns on inside her head.

Cut to the next scene. Mallory is in a classroom setting.

TEACHER
This test will account for 50% of your final grade. Good luck.

The students heads go down to their tests and begin working feverishly. Mallory hesitates and looks around to make sure the coast is clear.

MALLORY
(Whispering in a fake emotional voice)
This test is so hard. Oh no. I’m so nervous I literally have all the test answers in front of me.

Captain Literally is magically sitting behind her and brandishes a sheet with all the answers. He hands them over with a satisfied smile which turns a bit confused as he begins to realize what’s happening.

CAPTAIN LITERALLY
(Confusedly and slowly)
Balance… uh… restored?
(Pause)
Something’s not right about this…

TEACHER
Hey! You with the mask. Keep it down, this is a test not a social club.

Mallory beams with satisfaction as she fills in the answers to her test.

Cut to the next scene. Mallory is in a locker-lined hallway of a school. She is by herself and looking across the way at Whitney surrounded by friends and boys and enjoying her status as the life of the party. Mallory frowns with jealousy as she looks on.

MALLORY
(In a mocking tone)
Oh Whitney, you’re so popular. Can we all stand by you Whitney and be your friend?

The lightbulb clicks back on in Mallory’s head and her frown changes to a devious smile.

MALLORY
(Making her voice sound higher pitched like she’s imitating Whitney)
My name is Whitney, and I am doing really good.

The Good and Well Duo immediately appear in the midst of the group of friends.

GOOD AND WELL DUO
Good and well are different!

They kick Whitney in the face and she falls to the ground confused and rubbing her jaw. Mallory doubles over laughing as Whitney complains she did nothing wrong.

Cut to the next scene. Mallory is at the store.

MALLORY
I’m broke. I’m so sad about it I literally have a million dollars.

Captain Literally shows up with a scowl on his face and reluctantly hands her a briefcase filled with cash as Mallory beams with pride.

CAPTAIN LITERALLY
(Through gritted teeth)
Balance restored.
(Angrily)
I know what you’re doing and you won’t get away with it.

MALLORY
(With false concern)
Oh no! You’ve found me out. I’m so scared that I am literally watching you smack yourself in the face.

CAPTAIN LITERALLY
You evil, twisted woman!

Captain Literally yells and grasps his hand to try and stop it from smacking himself but is unsuccessful and he falls out of screen and Mallory laughs.

Cut to several quick scenes (possibly split screens showing several scenes at once) where Captain Literally is giving Mallory cars, new clothes, etc. and the Well and Good Duo are taking out Mallory’s enemies as she laughs and points.

Cut to a scene where Captain Literally and the Well and Good Duo confront Mallory.

CAPTAIN LITERALLY
We’ve had enough Mallory. You’ve got to stop.

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #1
Yeah Mallory. Enough is enough.

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #2
You’ve gone too far.

MALLORY
(Laughing)
Too bad fellas. You’re bound by your superhero laws of ethics to do what I say. Irregardless, I could care less what you or anyone else thinks.

Commander Care Less (Natalie) and Irregardless Kid (Jeremy) burst forth in a puff of smoke as everyone steps back in shock.

CAPTAIN LITERALLY
Oh brother. Who are you supposed to be?

IRREGARDLESS KID
I’m Irregardless Kid

COMMANDER CARE LESS
I’m Commander Care Less. So you’re saying you do care a little bit, right?

MALLORY
Huh?

COMMANDER CARE LESS
You said you could care less. That implies you must care a little bit in order to have the capacity to care even less at some point. If you are trying to say that you care so little about a given subject that your caring is at absolute zero and has no room go further down, you should say “I could NOT care less”. It’s simple really.

MALLORY
(Confused)
What I meant was…

IRREGARDLESS KID
Irregardless isn’t a word. You can’t just slap “ir” on the front of any word that starts with r and have it make sense.

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #1
Well, you kind of can. Pretty much every other r word can have ir in front. I mean there’s irradiate

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #2
Irrational

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #1
Irreconcilable

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #2
Irrecoverable

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #1
Irredeemable

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #2
Irrefutable

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #1
Irregular

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #2
Irrelevant

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #1
Irrepress…

IRREGARDLESS KID
(Interrupting the Duo)
Guys, do you mind? I’m doing my thing here. I don’t come in to your moments and talk about how silly it is that you can’t say “I’m good” when someone asks how you are.

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #1
Actually, you can say that. You can say “I’m good”.

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #2
You just can’t say “I’m doing good”.

IRREGARDLESS KID
(Exasperatedly)
Ok. Whatever guys! Can I just finish my thing and we can talk about this later?

MALLORY
(Like she’s just tired of the whole thing)
Let me get this for you. I’m so tired of this talking that you two are literally taped quiet.

Captain Literally unrolls a piece of tape.

CAPTAIN LITERALLY
Sorry boys, it’s my job.

Captain Literally tapes their mouths shut.

CAPTAIN LITERALLY
Balance restored.

IRREGARDLESS KID
Thank you. Now where was I? Oh yes, irregardless isn’t a word.

Irregardless Kid removes his glove and slaps Mallory across the face.

IRREGARDLESS KID
(Twirling his moustache)
Regardlessness reproved!

The Good and Well Duo remove the tape from their mouths.

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #1
I’m pretty sure regardlessness isn’t actually a word either

IRREGARDLESS KID
Would you be quiet? It’s MY catch phrase okay?

COMMANDER CARE LESS
Ahem, do you all mind? I still haven’t finished my part yet.

Commander Care Less snaps her fingers at Mallory and Mallory disappears.

COMMANDER CARE LESS
Care less-ness corrected!

CAPTAIN LITERALLY
Thanks you two. By the way, where did you send her?

COMMANDER CARE LESS
(Smiling and satisfied that she’s going to use the phrase properly)
I could not care less.

They laugh.

CAPTAIN LITERALLY
That was awesome. We figuratively rocked!

More laughter.

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #2
Good job everyone!

GOOD AND WELL DUO MEMBER #1
You all did well!

They all laugh as we fade to black.