I don't talk about it very much, and frankly it probably makes people somewhat uncomfortable when I do open up about it. But, I have been dealing with sever depression and PTSD for years now. There have been times when I have come very close to committing suicide, and I have spent extended amounts of time in the mental health ward at the Hospital several times. I have gone through some pretty extreme procedures and treatments that have helped some, but have left some pretty angry scars that at times feel like they've made the situation worse. This struggle has been long and exhausting, tragic for my family to have to endure, especially my angel wife.
Today, I had my last scheduled appointment with my psychiatrist. He said that he feels that I have made sufficient progress to be able to move on now. I've been dealing with some of these issues my whole life, those issues only amplified significantly by the trauma I experienced while serving in the military. I can finally say that I have come to terms sufficiently to be able to claim a sense of balance. It has been, by far, the hardest struggle I have ever dealt with. While I understand that this fight will never truly end, I am now much better equipped to fight it on my own, or at the very least with the help of my sweet and selfless wife.
Today, I feel like I'm starting a whole new life, without the pain from the past or the fear of the future weighing me down. It is a truly liberating feeling, something I hope anyone who is experiencing similar struggles gets to experience.
I know that pretty much none of you know who I am, or really anything truly substantial about me. I didn't really start posting much here until I was in Afghanistan listening to a broadcast of a BYU game on KSL radio on their website, and commenting with others about the game. I don't even recall what game it was. But a kind soul donated to CB on my behalf after hearing where I was. In hind sight, I think that may have been one of the kindest gestures anyone ever did for me as a soldier. I don't know who did it, or if they even post on here anymore. But if you do, I sincerely thank you. As trite as this may seem, CB has been very therapeutic for me, in a way. I have been able to read about others who have struggled, and how this community bands together to lift each other up, even when they know nothing about the people they are helping. I have been able to read about the pain that others have endured through serious trials, and how this community has been something upon which they could rely for, at the very least, emotional support. I have wanted that same support, but was too ashamed to ask for it.
I truly appreciate the conversations I have been able to take part in here. I don't agree with some of you very much. But it doesn't really matter. I can still participate in conversations as the real me, who I am and what I think, or believe, or know, all with the assurance that I don't have to feel the judging eyes that I have felt in public for so long, as I have hidden my pain and anguish, ashamed of who I was and the pain I was feeling. People may get catty here, even insulting at times. But all that is nothing. I feel no fear or anxiety about who I am here. It has been truly cathartic. For what it's worth, I just want to say thank you.