I’m sick of all these clowns putting biased rankings together. I’m still working on a fancy infographic but I do want to share some preliminary results. As I mentioned, I just came up with the methodology based on objective criteria. I am a little surprised at the results but data is data at the end of the day.

Note that I am assuming the Big 10 and the SEC will be the only two survivors so this only ranks teams from outside those conferences.

1. BYU came in first. In running the data, BYU has the best uniforms, most scenic football stadium, a big football stadium, and great attendance. Recent rivalry success gets more weight. There were also positive impacts from the school’s decision to play during COVID rather than hide under the bed. Also points for national championship, Heisman, Doak, etc., and also Super Bowl victories by alumni starting QBs (Jim and Steve) and alumni head coaches (Andy Reid). Another positive factor is that BYU has the lowest STD rate of any school in the country. That seemed important in the rankings.

2. Im sad to say that unfortunately our friends at Utah came dead last in the objective rankings. They did score very high for Rose Bowl losses, which actually gets more weight than Rose Bowl victories since we can all acknowledge it is the pinnacle of football success. They also got some points for “biggest boy big boy entrance.”

However, having a stadium that seats less than 40,000 people really hurt. They also have more cry closets than any other school in the country, and lost points in the binary question: are there curtains in your basketball arena? To my knowledge it was the only one that got a deduction on that metric. They also lead the country in ex-cons transfers, and that knocked them down a few points.

When controlled for which opponent they play, their TV rankings were trash. Turns out basically everyone who watches an Utah game is a fan of their opponent other than about 4,000 people in the wasatch front.

I thought their music and marketing would boost them back up but it turns out that Together We Reached hurt them in the objective measures.

All these factors combined with an abusive swim coach resulted in the worst score of all teams my objective data evaluated.

I’ll provide my full results when they become available.