Then sit down and tell her honestly how you feel. See if you can come to an agreement on a deadline and consequence and stick to it. She may resent you, but she needs to grow up. She’s been living as a child with an enabling adult for far to long. Your wife has stepped in as her mother, except she’s not physically present so there is more freedom. Why would she want the gravy train to stop?

Our experience with a family member was similar in that the mom would always rescue them when they needed money. Once mom passed away they approached us. They were taking the self reliance classes from the church and doing great taking it seriously. So we gifted them some money and said this is it. No more. Several years later they wanted more. We stuck to our word. Guess what? After a year of them resenting us and then getting over themselves, they put on their grown up underwear, figured out the money, and are finally speaking to us again (for now).

Not easy, but worth it. They grew, we grew, they know we stick to our word and now we’re on the other side (hopefully).

One thing that helped us when they were being real stinkers was the fact that we had kids in various stages of mission, college, and school and one income. They had 2 incomes, lower than market rent, and no kids. Our kids and family come first for us. Period. We saw no need to finance 2 grown able adults.