game 1: BYU vs nebraska

first, let's all take a moment to acknowledge that the middle of the word "nebraska" is a swear word, so that's already strike 1. then let's acknowledge that nebraska is the word in the middle of nebraska of the entire country. a state so stupid that literally the best mascot they could come up with for their football team is guys who peel corn. according to nebraskans, THAT'S THE BEST THING IN NEBRASKA. and the sad thing is, it really is. nebraska is a state so terrible that, unbeknownst to most people, in 1973 nixon tried to trick the russians into buying it. but upon visiting the state in a highly secretive arranged meeting, brezhnev declared loudly in broken english, "thees place look like siberia eat a bunch of corn and then take giant crap." following the meeting, brezhnev wouldn't even take the land for free, despite nixon's pleadings.

final score BYU 70 Nebraska ha ha you'll all live in this state until you're dead

game 2: BYU vs boise state

You may laugh at Boise's academics, but I'd like to see you parallel park this bad boy to get into grad school. #BYU pic.twitter.com/E0Cr2kEpug

— Boney Fuller (@boneyfuller) August 12, 2015

https://twitter.com/boneyfuller/status/631317968849219584


BYU 53 boise state an eternity of being listed in US news and world report's upcoming appendix "safety schools for for future truckers"

game 3: BYU vs UCLA

a lot of people think that someday a massive earthquake is going to occur on the san andreas fault and california will collapse into the pacific ocean. however, disasterologists have recently found that the biggest potential danger facing california today is the potential for the entire city of los angeles to be sucked into bill riley's gaping nostrils when he visits for the BYU UCLA game.

game 4: BYU vs michigan

michigan was once one of america's greatest state. the industrial heartland, the home of motown, the beavis to wisconsin's butthead. now it's most famous for being the place where people from that place stupidly show you on their hands (BERCURZ MERCHERGURN IS SHURPED LURK A HURND!!!!!) which part of michigan they're from, like there's a single person on god's green earth who gives a crap which part of michigan anyone's from, you ginger fop. there's a theory among those who study michigan that the explosion in morbid obesity in the state is actually part of a precautionary safety practice by local residents who believe that by getting the entire family to a collective weight of 3,000 pounds they can prevent their trailers from being picked up and carried away by spring tornadoes.

BYU 72.3 michigan HA HA HA HA YOUR CAPITAL CITY IS LITERALLY BANKRUPT

game 5: BYU vs connecticut

connecticut is beautiful state with a long and proud tradition of not being delaware. the premier athletic institution of the university of connecticut is its women's basketball team, which bookies recently gave even odds of beating the university of connecticut's men's football team.

BYU 7 connecticut a commuter state that somehow manages to be even less respected or relevant than new jersey

game 6: BYU vs east carolina

for the big homecoming matchup, it's BYU versus perennial...east carolinians east carolina university. east carolina was founded by a group of academics so stupid they didn't even know east carolina wasn't a state. the sixth best school in the carolinas, we're all familiar with eastern carolina's football program because they compete annually with BYU for the honor of being the first potential BCS buster to fail spectacularly at the first high hurdle, and because of their amazing pirate mascot featuring a skull that despite having no ear, still somehow sports an earring: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/6/60/East_Carolina_Pirates_logo.png/200px-East_Carolina_Pirates_logo.png

BYU 88 east carolina is not even on the shore, how can their mascot be a pirate?

game 7: BYU vs. cincinnati

alright, this crap's just getting ridiculous. what the yewt is a bearcat? how is no one saying anything about this? how is no one pointing out that the university of cincinnati (now featuring accreditation!) basically has a liger as a mascot!?!?! or are they referring to the southeast asian binturong, a member of the weasel family? that's right, everyone, it's the BYU cougars versus the university of cincinnati vietnamese weasel bears.

BYU 66 cincinnati not being cleveland which, frankly, is actually a pretty big win in and of itself (AND LET'S NOT FORGET, BEING THE HOME OF FOOF'S FAVORITE KIND OF CHILI!)

game 8: BYU vs wagner

the best part of this game is going to be when lifi finds out that wagner's mascot is the seahawks and suddenly he'll be telling everyone he's been a diehard wagner fan since the day he was born in between posting score updates from cook islands vs. seychelles rugby games. a little known fact about wagner college is that they created a football team this year for the sole purpose of filling BYU's schedule. try not to get confused watching this game, as wagner will be borrowing BYU's away jersey's for the occasion.

BYU 1,230 wagner: https://youtu.be/wGhQ2BDt4VE?t=14s

game 9: BYU vs san jose state university

SJSU has made a stunning rise in the academic world to the point where they often referred to as the "stanford" of "the neighborhood where SJSU is located." but seriously, SJSU is a program that is renowned for being the whipping boy of a whipping boy conference. local sources tell me that a secret clause inserted in SJSU's agreement to join the mountain west conference was that every SJSU player had to say the words, "thank you, sir! may I please have another!?" every time they were tackled by a member of any other team. other sources report that the only reason SJSU continues to play football games is so local tech investors have some place to take clients to engage in debauched entertainment where there will be one around to notice what they're doing.

BYU 31 SJSU somehow mustering 11 conscious players on each side of the ball for the full 60 minutes of game time

game 10: BYU vs missouri

taysom: hey, mizzou. extermination order deez.
mizzou: deez what?
taysom: deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez nTOUCHDOWN!!!!!

BYU 71 mizzou you may have kicked out of your state but in doing so you kicked out the only people in the state of missouri who wouldn't eventually become toothless meth heads

game 11: BYU vs fresno state

fun fact about fresno, it is literally built from the excrement of san francisco! remember the unseen and unnoticed debauchery going on at SJSU games? fresno's economy is built entirely on being the place where those guys go to get their drugs. another fun fact about fresno is that it named after little known catholic saint st. fresno, the patron of places you'd rather kill yourself than go to. fresno is renowned throughout california for essentially being bakersfield if bakersfield finally metastasized.

BYU 29 fresno state 17...th most miserable city in the united states: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/04/forbes-most-miserable-cit_n_818474.html

game 12: BYU vs USU

the much anticipated rematch against the USU aggies never takes place after an explosion at a local methane gas collection plant destroys the entire town of logan in a devastating accident. no one notices until USU's football team fails to show up for the scheduled game. all that's left of logan is the lingering scent of manure and an overwhelming pall of righteous indignation.

BYU 0 USU still somehow claims this one as a moral victory

game 13: BYU vs ASU in the tostitos fiesta bowl now featuring spicy queso dip

in a much hyped battle of western powers, the teetotalers of BYU face off against america's most successful community college football team. it's a close fought game, with nashty switching allegiances several times throughout the tense battle. BYU lucks out in that ASU's home crowd advantage is largely nullified by the fact that half its fans are slobbering drunk while the other half spends the entire game making duck lips into their cameras and posting it to their instagram feed. finally, as the clock is running down, taysom hill duct tapes his femur back on, takes the ball and hurls it into the air, one last hail brigham to win the game. his duct taped leg trailing behind him, he hops on one foot into the end zone before the ASU defense even realizes what's going on and catches his own pass. the cougar faithful go wild. they've reached the promised land! root beer flows. cougarboard becomes a millenial utopia where the socalcoug and the bluepete lie down together (metaphorically, of course). kyle whittingham is so furious that his nipples rip rage holes in his skin tight under armor polo shirt.

so, there you have it. all you fatheaded nancy schmucks claiming BYU is set for a mediocre season for this or that reason can shut up, now. no one wants to hear it. we're looking down the barrel of what's set to be BYU's greatest season since 1984, and it's gonna shoot you right in the face.