Let me preface this post by saying that I am a Bronco Mendenhall supporter. I think he is an above-average, but not perfect, coach who is working in one of the most difficult coaching jobs in the country. I believe that BYU has structural issues (independence, honor code, academics, cold weather climate, homogenous culture) that would prevent even the best head coaches from having the kind of success that many on CB believe is possible if we switched out Bronco for somebody else.

With that disclosure, here is my satirical shot at creating a BYU head coach job description based on Cougar Board expectations:

Motivation

• Buy the Vince Lombardi quote book and utilize these kind of statements whenever you can with the team.
• Show emotion in the locker room and sideline at all times; these are young men who need to see their leader as a general leading them into war. Be passionate, but be careful to not be annoying to the team or fans while doing this; also, make sure that you are a cool kind of passionate so other teams and the media don't make fun of you.
• Every once in awhile do something crazy like sacrifice an animal in the locker room or rip off your shirt on the sideline or tackle a referee or something else that will help the boys reach deep into their well of internal motivation.
• If you do this right, the fans and opposing team should always be able to tell before the game that our team is going to win.

Game Management

• Timeouts should never be used for in-game adjustments or if players are misaligned or if you see a formation that could lead to a big play for the opposing team. Those adjustments can be made between possessions or at halftime; timeouts should be saved for the last minute of each half in case we need to make a game-winning drive.
• Immediately diagnose what the other team's game plan is, make appropriate adjustments, and lead the team to victory. If your game plan isn't working in the first quarter, scratch it and implement a new one. If the other team is winning individual matchups, come up with some plays that will overcome this. If the other team has good coaches as well, it doesn't matter. Outcoaching the opposition at a rate of 60-70% is not acceptable; you need to outcoach at a rate approaching 90-100% of the time if you want to coach at a university with the brand and prestige of BYU.

Player Management

• Determine depth charts based on a combination of fan vote, player demographics, recruiting rankings, and practice performance.
• Walk-ons were passed over during the recruiting process for a reason. Use them within the program as scout team players, but if they perform better than scholarship players, be careful with elevating their status. Once again, there was a reason they are a walk-on and that should not be ignored.
• If a player is good and there is an experienced starter ahead of them, they should redshirt. Other considerations like their personal situation, involvement with the team, desire to play, game experience are secondary to this point. Burning a redshirt is comparable to burning an early timeout; don't do it.

Coach Management

• Find experienced coaches who are willing to work in a unique place like BYU at below-market rates. This may sound difficult, but there are apparently actually a lot of people out there willing to do this.
• If you choose to go with inexperienced coaches and develop them internally, understand that development has natural limits. These kind of coaches can be grad assistants or maybe a position coach, but before you promote them to a coordinator, they need to get 10-15 years of experience elsewhere. Of course, that may make it difficult to get them back, but see the first point for reassurance.
• If you have a tough decision about a coach, always error on the side of former players. Guys like Chad Lewis, Ty Detmer, Steve Young were awesome players and are good guys; those are bonafide studs and should be added whenever possible to your coaching staff.
• Coaches should not be taking vacations or working less than 70 hours a week. If we hear any stories about you or your coaches leaving the office before 10 pm, that will not end well for you. You guys have awesome jobs that you should love; the rest of your lives need to take a backseat for the duration of your coaching career.

Media and Fan Relations

• Always take blame for the loss and give credit elsewhere for wins. Be careful giving authentic answers to media questions and during fan events; it is preferable to refer to your Vince Lombardi quote book in these settings.
• Be nice to the media in general, but if you get in a fight with Jay Drew or Gordon Monson, you will gain instant credibility, but might get fired.
• You make more than a million dollars; that gives fans a right to encroach on your personal space, critique you on both a personal and professional level, and demand your attention to their concerns and ideas.  Deal with it.

Recruiting

• Use Rivals and Scout as a good first vetting of talent; these services aren't perfect, but they are legit.
• Use social media to build a cool brand with kids. You want them to see you as a perfect mix between cool uncle, trusted parent, coaching genius, and player advocate.
• Sign all LDS kids that are rated 3* or above by one of the scouting services. You are the coach at BYU; it is owned by the LDS church; any recruiter worth his salt would get all of these kids. It is their obligation, you just need to help them realize it (this is where some of the cool motivation techniques can come in handy).
• If there is a non-LDS kid who professes to be a strong Christian, BYU should automatically be in the running for his services since we are a Christian school. It is then up to you to close the deal and prove your chops as a recruiter.

Honor Code

• The honor code is a nuisance, but a fact of life at BYU. Emphasize it during the recruiting process, but not too much since we don't want to scare LDS and non-LDS kids away.
• Tone down on all the spiritual references. We are a LDS school, but you are a football coach. If this lack of emphasis leads to more honor code violations, just work to keep those private and between the individual and their ecclesiastical leader. See what you can do to influence the honor code office to give these kids a break.
• With regards to honor code suspensions, provide the perfect balance in providing information on the violations and maintaining the privacy of the invidual. If you have to suspend a kid for honor code or team infractions, do it for games that we are likely to win without them.

Game Results

• Never lose to Utah
• Never lose to a G5 school except Boise State once in awhile
• Win at least nine games per year
• Go to a NY6 Bowl once every five years
• Make the college football playoff once a decade

Good luck.