None of you should be excessively happy about Grimes. I reserve the right, solely, to tell you how to properly react. I especially condemn any post that speculates about any improvements that may happen under his watch. This is to protect my fragile emotional state. I need to be convinced that the sucking will continue, so that way my life won’t be invalidated by the potential subpar performance of BYU’s football team. Conversely, this will give me the unique chance to show my refined character to all of you, while I make everything about myself.

This is an opportunity for us BYU fans. I have the opportunity to distainfully mock you by pointing out that Grimes has never been an successful BYU OC, which means I get to decide whether or not you should hope he is successful. And I unhesitatingly dictate, no.

The best part about being a fan is being hypercritical of other fans, to show my wisdom and my superior thoughtfulness. My one hope is that Grimes fails miserably, so I may further elevate myself by snottily saying “I told you so”.

Rest assured, more instructions on how to feel and act as a real BYU fan (which I claim exclusive rights to define), will be forthcoming.