This probably belongs in Nothing but Crap.

As my pappy says, never let the truth get in the way of a good story, but I swear 98% of this is true.

I love my brother in law, even thought at times it seems like he was kicked by a horse as a small child. Let's call him Joe, because, well, that's his name. And let me say for the record, I love my BIL.

Despite his learning disability, he graduated from HS and served an honorable mission.

Fast forward a few years from returning with honor. Not doing anything with his life, my FIL drags him by the arm to the military recruiting office and voluntells him to enlist for service.

The recruiter gave him some information and some things to think about (e.g. what branch of service? what career path).

My BIL was very worried about the war in Iraq. He had no desire to be anywhere near there so he enlists with the US Navy. Once enlisted, they ask him what he wants to do for a career. Fondly remembering how much fun he had as a missionary, he signs up to be in some form of Navy Chaplain training program.

Again, my BIL is not the sharpest tool in the shed.

1) He didn't quite think through his career path. As a faithful member of The Church (forget my style-guide mis-use), how could he turn that into a career when his service ended?
2) Where do Navy Chaplains serve? They get embedded with the marine corps as boots on the ground.

Within 4 months he was in Fallujah, Iraq and ended up doing a few tours, of which we are extremely proud.

After a few years of service, the Navy catches on that my BIL is not the sharpest tool. He never made it past being a chaplain assistant, and was released early from his commitment. When he returned home, the only work he was qualified for, and able to get a job, was at the local prison, which (un)surprisingly he still holds today.

Living on a prison guard salary is humble beans. It's terrible hours, rough conditions, and the pay is dismal.

So this MLM guy from SaladMaster preys on my BIL, and convinces him that millions could be made selling contraptions that resemble cooking ware.

My wife and I hear he has fallen to the dark side and wait for the inevitable call.

BIL: Would you be willing to host a dinner party in your home with some friends?
Me: (blank stare and crickets)
HCBW: (kicks my shin under the table)
Me: I'll offer my home, and will join, but you'll have to invite your friends
BIL: deal!

So the day of reckoning comes. My BIL comes early and sets up. Much to my chargin, the first friend to arrive was not a friend, but his trainer.

Oy Vey!

This guy was Slick Rick. His hair was greased back, he had big teeth, and his name was probably Rick.

The party starts.

Did you know that you are killing your loved ones slowly by cooking with your existing pots and pans?

Do you see this mark left in your frying pan? That harmful substance causes cancer and you are knowingly giving it to your kids and will watch them slowly rot and die before your eyes.

Slick Rick lays it on thicker than molasses. He does everything he can to avoid building relationships of trust and has no desire to get to the commitment pattern.

No, he was trained in the ways of the SaladMaster Masters, and knew the wiley ways of the manipulation pattern.

Slick Rick: You wouldn't want to kill your kids, would you?!?
Me: (blank stare & crickets)

So eventually Slick Rick pivots from his hellfire and damnation sermon on the evils of Teflon and turns over the cooking to my BIL on their kitchen wares.

My BIL, who is a simple man, is responsible for cooking dinner for this party using these tools. It closely resembles cooking ware you can find them in your local Wal Mart for $7.99 - $14.99 in the cooking utensils aisle.

So the pots and pans are used to steam corn and some meat that could have been beef (?).

It was nasty.

Slick Rick: This is not only delicious but also a healthy alternative to the cancer-inducing pots and pans you use, right?
Me: (blank stare and crickets)
Slick Rick: you like this fresh taste and wouldn't want any lower quality
Me: This tastes like burnt corn.

Dinner is finally, painfully over.

Slick Rick sees my HCBW and home and can smell success. He closes in on the sale.

Slick Rick: You love your kids and don't want to give them cancer.
Me:
Slick Rick: Your pots and pans are in bad shape, and each time you cook you risk serving a toxic metal to your forever family.
Me: (temperature is rising)
Slick Rick: (turning to my HCBW) If your husband loved ...
Me: How much is your set?
Slick Rick: You don't have to buy it all at once
Me: How much is the set you used tonight to make dinner?
Slick Rick: $7,400
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

I seriously laughed in his face and felt no shame.

Slick Rick quickly packed his things, and after he leaves the house, my BIL says, "so, is that a no?"