Because of the other Friday StoryTime post re; my neighbor Brutus and his dog Otis' mushroom trip, I thought it appropriate for a double feature today. Brutus is a big lovable brute, not that he doesn't have his issues. He gets off work at 3pm, and is usually a twelve pack in by 5pm. Brutus lives across the street. Within 3 days of a new neighbor moving in next door to me, my wife sheepishly entered my man cave. "What? Did you ding the car again?" "Nooo, don't freak out. Delbert(which we'd already named next door) butchered our maple tree." "Whaddya talking about?" "He's trying to pass it off as a neighborly good deed." I sprinted for the door as she tried to illicit assurances I wouldn't cave Delbert's face in." Being neurotic, borderline psychotic(Delbert, not me, though debatable) Delbert could foresee the aggro about to be caused in his disorganized mind by the maple tree's helicopter seed pods falling on his lawn. From the Maple tree close to the border. So he straight massacred 5ft off every branch on that side of the 20 year old maple tree. It's not like Marvin(the maple tree) is a heinous mess. An arborist has trimmed it every 4-5 years.

I took one look, saw his wife, and inquired where Delbert was. Politely, not taking it out on her. "He's not here." Tell me when he gets back please. I thought it was under my breath, but my wife clearly heard me say "You gotta be F'ing kidding me." So did his. I got more and more ticked off as the minutes passed. Finally, Delbert knocked on the door, we a re-gift piece o' crap house plant as peace offering. Before he could speak, "I don't want it, plant it next to your pine tree that dumps 400lbs of pine cones on my lawn annually so I can cut em' both in half." I slammed the door. That was as restrained as I was gonna get. Weeks later, Delbert started selling junk online that was nothing it claimed to be.

He demanded payment up front. Not wanting the poor sucker to know where he lived, he had the pickup spot be Brutus' sidewalk, inches from Brutus driveway. Angry people pounded on Brutus door. Delbert was unapologetic, and only ceased when the homeowners assoc. forced him to. Fast forward to Super Bowl Sunday, Seahawks vs Broncos, yeah, that one. Delbert set Brutus off once again by placing junk for pickup in the old spot. I'm pretty sure Brutus was 40 beers in, and it took some major convincing for him not to go throttle Delbert. I knew I had to come up w/ a solution that would satisfy Brutus, and yet offer me plausible deniability.

I went to my 12 y o self's book of tricks. This stunt had scared the crap of many a neighbor we didn't dig. Back when small metal garbage cans were the thing. Brutus couldn't stop laughing. He liked it. And promised he would not rag doll Delbert if we executed this stunt. Delbert had left his garbage can at the curb, hence the idea. There was a problem though. Brutus assumed that the Jack in the box was gonna be me. He's 6'4" 260 lbs. I'm 6' and about a hundred pounds lighter. "C'mon dude, you're hammered, you can do it. I'll hold the can, help you get in." Didn't take too much convincing.

Stuffing in him that garbage can turned out a lot more difficult than I imagined. We couldn't even shut the lid all the way. "Okay Brutus, don't fall asleep, it won't be 5 min. I promise. Decide what kind of scream and grand exit you're gonna make for Delbert." A slurred "Roger that, mine Capitan." Was all he said. I baited the hook. Texting Delbert, "Uhh, I think there's a raccoon or something rummaging in your garbage can, making all sorts of noise." Only if I'd video'd it, I woulda been a youtube hero. Delbert sprints outside, grabs a broom, and slowly lifts the garbage can lid. Brutus' may have been hammered, but his reaction time and execution was perfect. If it was gymnastics or ski jumping, one would have to say "he stuck the landing." He lunged at Delbert, letting out a grizzly bear'esqe "Raaahhhhhhrrrrrrrr." The can tipped over and Brutus slammed the cold pavement at Delberts feet.

Delbert shrieked like a little girl, first started running up the street, then doubled back toward his lair. The shrieking never ceased, even after his front door slammed, completing his retreat. Brutus was laughing so hard, he couldn't elevate off the pavement. "Matty, Matty diiiid youuu seee that?" He kept repeating. So much for plausible deniability. I helped him to his feet. The harder I tried to suppress my laughter, the harder I laughed. We laughed. Delbert wasn't pleased. He called the cops and wanted assault charges filed against both of us. With the cop banging on my door, I got that look from the Mrs. "If your stupid stunt puts you in jail, I'm not getting you out!" "If it puts me in jail, it'll still be worth it. Watch, when I explain what Delbert did to Marvin the Maple and Brutus, this cop won't do anything but shake our hands." I was right.

The cop musta patted me on the back while attempting to stifle laughter 4-5 times. I never admitted anything, but the cop did say "there's no way Brutus got in that garbage can by himself." "IDK, he's incredibly agile for a big man. Sweet hops officer." Seeing how unsteady Brutus was, he did order him back in his lair. Which Brutus responded: "I'm in my own driveway Roscoe, I'm good, thx anyway." Roscoe didn't mind, we'd made his night, and ours. And given him a sweet story for the boys back at the station. I've always been far more patient and polite w/ Delbert than I should. He's not my enemy. But if you mess w/ my stuff, and whizz on my leg and tell me it's raining, by selling it as a good deed, we're gonna tangle. Between the game, and the Jack in the can stunt, it was a glorious night indeed. Have a good weekend, stay frosty, stay aerodynamic.