(unfortunate forced disclaimer that this is satire)

Salt Lake City: With the PAC12 announcing a cancellation of all sports until January 1, 2021, athletic programs at the University of Utah are reeling. Football, of course, is the most visible sport that is affected by the unanimous league decision. "It's definitely a blow to our PAC12 players," stated head coach Kyle Whittingham, "But we will not rest. We'll keep preparing for a PAC12 season, hopefully soon. We can cry about it all we want, but that doesn't change anything, so we'll just keep PAC12ing in the PAC12."

Basketball will also be negatively impacted with a delayed start to their 2020-2021 season, though head coach Larry Kzytovjpkck has publicly praised the safety precautions. The coach was quick to defend the PAC12 decision, stating, "I've said since day 1 that player safety is my number one priority - moreso than winning games or keeping my players in school. We may not be the most competitive team in college ball, and we may not even be able to fill out a full roster, but by ____ we will be the safest and I'll fight anybody who says otherwise."

But although football and basketball will likely survive the disruption in play, the future is uncertain for other athletic programs at the University of Utah. Programs like Men's Golf and Women's Tennis may not survive without the money that is pumped into their respective programs directly from football and basketball revenue. "It's definitely uncertain at this point if my girls will be back on the diamond," said women's softball coach Linda Lewis. Swim coach Eddie Reeves agreed, stating, "I have no idea how we'll survive. This program has been through tough times, and these kids have been literally spit on, beat up, and belittled. But we always made it through. I hope we can ride the proverbial wake of COVID and survive to swim another day."

The women's gymnastics team - the infamous "Red Rocks" - was scheduled to kick off their season with exhibition matches in early December. But since practices can't even resume until January, head coach Candi Staxx isn't certain what the upcoming season will hold. "We're just taking it one day at a time, trying to stay in shape for the men who support us," she said. "Many of my girls will probably delay school enrollment until next semester, so they won't officially be eligible to practice with us until then. But we're grateful for the local community who is stepping up to take care of us. Several local businesses have pledged to support our program financially, and Trails (a local gentleman's club) has taken in several of our girls which will help them not only financially but will help them stay in shape until practice resumes. I'm told their business traffic is picking up, so it's a win/win."

For new athletic director Mark Harlan, these are unprecedented times. "I knew accepting this job would be a challenge, but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine a sudden cancellation of March Madness, college football camp, and all the rest. Sure, I knew we would have challenges, but I expected to deal with mostly benign stuff like we've seen in the past - domestic abuse, DUIs, Class B felonies and that sort of thing - stuff that might require us to sit a kid for a few practices. I never could have imagined a full cancellation across the board. It just breaks my heart that we are here because residents in Utah County refused to wear a mask into Costco. It's a tough pill to swallow."