Let me tell you a bit about my childhood. It was really rough. I went to an elementary school whose mascot was only chosen after a hawk flew into the library window and shattered it. The Hawk was dead on arrival and promptly stuffed, and became our mascot (Northridge Night Hawks in Orem). Man, that is some crazy crap. I bet nobody else had something that dangerous happen to them.

Let me tell you another story from my childhood. Growing up in North Orem on 1600 North, we had these crazy, dangerous apple orchards everywhere. Once a kid was running in the orchard at night and didn't see a ditch and twisted his ankle. It was lit. A few other kids would occasionally steal apples and (get this) throw them at walls. They wouldn't even eat them.

A few other kids I knew (not naming names) were known to mount people's Christmas deer around the holidays and even knocked over some snowmen. Another dangerous pastime was cutting out a cardboard figure of a cat, spray-painting it black and gluing a marble or nickel (or something shiny) in the place of the eye and attaching string to both ends. Then, said kids would pull it across the street on Main Street in Orem at night and watch cars break as they thought it was a real cat. It was intense crap, the kind of stuff you never forget. Seeing the whites of the eyes of these drivers as they slowed down from 28 MPH to 22 MPH as they realized it was a cardboard cutout has stayed with me. Some drivers even sped up and tried to run the cat over.

Then I got to high school and like 2% of my high school was non-LDS. Can you believe that?! You really had to watch your back in the halls of THS (Timpanogos High School), not lame Timpview high with all the stuck up kids.

Anyway, I barely made it out of Orem alive. Sounds like it's gotten even more dangerous in the two decades since I made it out of there. I ain't ever going back.