The Utah Tahitian Nonis - Fans get free Tahitian Noni as they enter. The mascot is a big tin can of Tahitian Noni juice.

The Utah Great Salt Lakes - The mascot is a kids plastic swimming pool with an ever shrinking amount of water in it. KSL will report on it breathlessly. CB will say it isn't a big deal.

The Utah Indians - Seems unlikely.

The Utah Trax - Mascot is a train. It hits pedestrians every few months and kills them.

The Utah Inversion - The mascot is a guy wearing a gray sweater. He stinks and sprays people with poison gas from a big sprayer he carries on his back.

The Utah Door-to-Door Sales Bro - Mascot is actually Todd Petersen who is required to wear a flat-brimmed hat, regardless of his age. He just walks around.

The Utah Debt - Mascot is a family of 6 who owns a large RV, boat, Can-Am, and go to Disneyland each quarter. They walk around and encourage people to buy $12 pretzels and beer.

The Utah Slopes - Mascot is a mom of 4 who has had obvious work done. She just walks around aisles and ice.

The Utah Rockwells - Mascot is a bearded guy who looks like Porter Rockwell who occasionally kills people when leadership tells him to.