1. They’re moving the curtains down another ten rows.
2. To generate extra revenue to cover their crippling debt they've added a $650 fee to tuition.
3. They’ve added six extra cry closets across campus.
4. They’re going to erect a statue of OJ Simpson to honor their chief rival USC and also to show their willingness to welcome criminals to their athletics program.
5. They’ve hired a PR firm to say really nice things about the church in hopes of more donations.
To generate maximum exposure, all of these will be announced in a series of videos featuring the marching band and flag corp.