We were making a surprise visit from Vegas back to Utah for the weekend (we visit all the time, like every 4-8 weeks, so it's not like my MIL only sees her daughter at Christmas or something). At first she was actually upset that we hadn't given her enough advanced notice that we were going to be up there. Frankly, we didn't know ourselves until the last minute and we weren't asking her to change her plans or anything. We were just letting her know we'd be up there and that we would see them whenever they had free time. Who gets upset over something like that?

She then told me she wanted to take her daughter to lunch and shopping on her birthday. I told her that was 100% fine but that my wife and I already had dinner plans for later that evening around 5- 5:30 p.m. so just have her back around that time. My MIL then proceeded to give me a pretty ugly lecture at how I didn't know what it was like to have an only daughter (the rest of her kids are boys), that she had raised her for 20-something years and I was nothing more than a newcomer to the family (we had been married for over 3 years at that point), etc. I was perplexed, as this was one of the most benign and stupid reasons to get offended I had seen. I was telling her that she could basically spend the ENTIRE day with her daughter on her birthday when just 20 minutes ago she was under the impression we were staying in Vegas for the weekend.

Up to that point in our marriage, I had been pretty patient with my MIL's passive-aggressive, guilt-trip crap and had avoided direct confrontation with her. I would just roll my eyes, bite my tongue, walk away, laugh with my wife about it later on, etc. Anything to keep the peace. It makes it a little easier in that my wife totally sees it as well and is nothing like her.

Maybe I was just tired that day, but this was probably the defining moment in my relationship with my MIL, as I put that nonsense to bed pretty quickly. I straight up told her (among other things) that she was acting like a petulant child, that her daughter was a grown woman who can do whatever she wants, that I'm the most important person in my wife's life as we'd been married for several years at that point, and that it was morally reprehensible for her to try and make people feel guilty over something so stupid. Most importantly, I told her that she was damaging her own relationship with her daughter acting like this that she could pound sand, as we were going to do what we were going to do. I honestly don't think anybody had really stood up to her before. My FIL is a nice guy, but I think she has him a bit cowed.

Understandably, I think it was several months before my MIL would actually speak to me again. All over such a stupid situation.

We actually have a decent relationship now (14 years married). But I never apologized for what I told her that day (nor will I) and she has toned down her act considerably. Occasionally it will still flare up in certain situations, but I stopped mincing words long ago. The moral of the story? People need to be called out on their bullcrap. Forcibly and often.