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Nov 20, 2006
Rivalry jokes
here's tons of ute jokes (note, some are very dumb, i'm not weeding through for the good ones)

There's a guy from the U of U driving from Provo to Salt Lake, and a guy from BYU driving from Salt Lake to Provo. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Cougar manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the Ute scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He says, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Cougar walks over to the Ute and before the Cougar Fan can get a word out the Ute fan says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals. "The Cougar thinks for a moment, notices something in the Ute Fans' care and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck. So the Cougar lookd in the back of the Utes' car to find just what he expected, a full unopened can of Beer. He says to the Ute, "I think this is another sign that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship. The Ute says, "You're #@%! right! You Cougs aren't so bad afterall." and he grabs the can and starts gulping down on the beer. After putting away nearly half the can the Ute hands it back to the Cougar and says, "Your turn!" The Cougar tosses it back into the Utes' car and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

Ron McBride after many years at the helm of Utah Football, passed away. He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. "Ronnie, you've been a pretty good guy and we've got a place all ready for you," says St. Peter. He takes Coach Mac by the arm and leads him into Heaven. They are walking down a street paved with gold with magnificent homes on both sides. After a little while, they turn into a little bit lesser impressive neighborhood, and then into a pretty non-descript neighborhood and finally stop in front of small bungalow on a back street. The house has an old picket fence around it, some bare spots in the lawn, rather frayed curtains in the windows, and a roof that could use some repair. Hanging from the front porch is a somewhat tattered U of U banner. "Here it is," says St. Peter. Coach Mac looks around and then sees Magnificent mansion up on a hill. The drive way is paved with gold. The fence is made from silver with alabaster columns. The windows are trimmed in Blue, Tan and White. Members of the BYU ROTC guard the gates. A huge BYU banner flies from a flag pole. Ronnie grimmaces and says, "How come LaVell has such a magnificent home and I get this shabby little bungalow?" St. Peter replies, "That's not LaVell's house, it's God's."

A man from USU, Utah, and BYU are all standing in the restroom taking care of business. The man from Utah finishes first. He shakes, zips up and heads to the sink. He uses an obscenely amount of soap to wash his hands and pulls all kinds of papertowels to dry them. He goes on to say, "At the U they teach us to be really clean." Just about that time, the man from Utah State finishes. He shakes, zips up and heads to the sink. He only uses a little bit of soap to wash his hands, and only one paper towel to dry. He says, "At Utah State they teach us to be clean, but economical." At that time the man from BYU finishes his business. He shakes, zips up and just walks out the bathroom. He says, "At BYU, they teach us not to piss on our hands."

Q. What's the difference between a litter of puppies and Ute fans?
A. Eventually the puppies grow up and quit whining.

Did you hear about the kid who was going to Rome with his grandmother to see the Pope? He really wanted to talk to the Pope so he told his grandmother He was going to wear a Notre Dame Jersey because the pope was Catholic and so was Notre Dame, his grandmother told him that would be a good idea. So the next day the pope comes out of the Vatican and is going through the crowd when he sees a little kid wearing a University of Utah Jersey. He bends down and speaks to the boy. He then goes by the kid in the Notre Dame jersey without saying anything. That night he is talking with his grandmother and they couldn't figure out why the pope talked to the kid in the University of Utah jersey and not him. So the next day the kid and his grandmother decide to wear a University of Utah jersey and the pope comes out of the Vatican and sees the kid in the University of Utah jersey and he bends down and says to him: "Hey, I thought I told you to get the heck out of here yesterday!"

An Air Force Fan, a UNLV Fan, and a Ute Fan were traveling together to the MoWest Conference dinner/banquet when their car broke down on a country road. They spied a farmhouse in the distance and when they knocked on the door a farmer answered. He told them that they were welcome to stay but since he had only two spare beds, one of them would have to sleep in the barn. The AFA Fan said he would sleep in the barn. In just a few minutes there was a knock on the door and there stood the Falcon saying he couldn't sleep in there because there was a pig in the barn and he couldn't get his cadet uniform dirty. The Rebel Fan said what the heck, he would sleep in the barn. In just a few minutes there was a knock at the door and there stood the UNLV Fan saying he couldn't sleep in the barn 'cause there was a cow in there and he's allergic to cows. The Ute told them what a bunch of weenies they were and went off to sleep in the barn. In a few minutes there was a knock on the door and there stood the cow and the pig.

Two Ute fans and a Cougar were on a plane together, and as luck would have it, they were all in the same row. The Ute fans had the window and the middle seat, leaving the Cougar on the aisle. Neither Cougar nor Ute said a word until the flight was halfway over. Then the Ute in the window seat leaned over and said "Now, I know you're a Cougar but I'm thirsty, and I would hate to disturb both you and my friend here by going to get a cola, Would you mind going and getting a drink for me?" The Cougar thought for a second, then answered, "No, it probably would be easier that way," and he got up and went down the aisle. The Ute in the window seated grinned to his friend and reached over, grabbed a shoe that the Cougar had left behind, (the Cougar liked to get comfortable on long flights.) The Ute quickly spit into the shoe and put it back on the floor, just as the Cougar returned with the drink. "Sir," grinned the Ute in the middle seat, "before you sit down again, I wonder if you could get a drink for me as well?" The Cougar rolled his eyes, and walked back down the aisle. As the Cougar left, the Ute in the middle seat winked at the one in the window seat, grabbed the Hokie's other shoe from the floor, and proceeded to spit in it. He placed it back on the ground just as the Cougar returned with the drink for the second Ute. The flight was coming to an end, and in preparation our Cougar friend placed his feet back in his shoes, quickly experiencing what the Ute fans had left there for him. The Ute fans laughed loudly at this and congratulated each other at the prank they had played. The Cougar stood up to 'deplane', turned to the Utes next to him and said, "My friends, where will this hatred end....what with all this spitting in shoes, and peeing in drinks!"

You know, there is one huge advantage that Utah alums have. They can park anywhere they want, even in handicap stalls. All they have to do is hang their diploma off the rear view mirror.

A woman was walking through her new house with the contractor. As they walked through rooms, she told him what color she wanted him to paint each room. In the bedroom she said, "I think this would be nice in a cream." The contractor stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" This perplexed the woman. They moved to the living room and she said, " I would love rose in this area." Again the contractor strolled over to the window and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" Again the woman was confused but did not say anything. As they walked into the kitchen she proudly announced that she wanted this room to be, "a glorious shade of mauve." Once again the contractor went to the window and yelled,"GREEN SIDE UP!" Finally she could not stand this anymore. "What are you shouting GREEN SIDE UP out every window of this house?" He replied,"I'm sorry. I have a crew of Utah alums laying sod across the street."

The Utah football team was placed in a remedial English class. The professor asked the class, "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?" All of the players raised their hands. "The appeal," they shouted with pride.

A Ute football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Thank goodness the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it.

A Ute Football recruit showed up for practice with his cleats on the wrong feet. Coach Mac said "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at him with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me Coach, I know they're my feet."

Q: Why do Ute football players have such small steering wheels in their cars?
A: So they can drive with handcuffs on.

Q: Did you hear about the new Ute Honor Code System?
A: Yes, Your Honor, No Your Honor.

Q: Why do Utah players have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
A: "Toes Go In First."

Q: Why can't Utes dial 911?
A: They can't find the eleven on the phone!

A Utah grad decides he wants to raise chickens. So he goes to a feed store, buys a bunch of baby chicks, plants 'em feet-first in the ground, and sadly after a couple days they die. He figures he's doing something wrong, so he goes back to the feed store and buys more chicks. This time he plants 'em headfirst, and they die even faster. Now this U of U grad is at his wit's end, so he decides to write to his alma mater, tell them what he's doing, and see if maybe they have any suggestions. Two weeks later he gets a note back from the University of Utah asking for a soil sample.

Q: How many U of U freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Two Utah students decide they want to try ice fishing. They go and buy all the necessary equipment and load up their pick-up. In the process, the students realize they don't know where to go to try out this new sport. Finally, after about three hours of intense brainstorming, one student thinks of the perfect spot. They drive to the spot, unload their equipment and make their way onto the ice in search for the perfect location. They cut a hole in the ice and begin to fish. About three minutes pass when out of nowhere a booming voice is heard: "THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE!" Completely confused and scared, the two students stop and look around but see no one. "Did you hear that?" ask one student. "Yea. Who was it?" responded the second student. Confused but determined, both students continue to fish. A minute passes, and they hear again: "THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE!" Dazed and frightened, one student stands up, looks to the heavens and asks "Is that you God? Are you trying to help us?" The voice responds "No, you idiot, it's the ice rink manager. Now get off our ice!"

Q: What do you get when you cross a Ute fan with a pig?
A: Nothing. There's some things a pig's just not gonna do.

Q: What does the average Utah player get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

The U is playing at Wyoming, which has a first down with three minutes left in the half. A U fan sets off a firecracker, and the Cowboys, thinking it's the end of the half, runs off the field. Three plays later, Utah punts.

Q: Did you hear that The Rolling Stones are playing at Rice-Eccles Stadium?
A: Yeah, the stones are 10-point favorites.

A ventriloquist is working in Salt Lake and during his show a Utah fan stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ONSTAGE! You been making smart-butt remarks about us Utes being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!" -"Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"- "I'm not talking to you, sir!" The Ute replied. "I'm talking to that little jerk sitting on your knee!"

Two Utah students are sitting in a bar and all of the sudden start jumping up and down and giving each other high five's as they scream "55 DAYS, 55 DAYS!!" After this went on for some time the bartender became curious and asked the two students what they were so excited about. The two utes finally calmed down and explained, "We finished this puzzle in 55 days!!" The bartender, still perplexed, replied, "Yeah,.. so?" To which the Ute replied, "It says right on the box 2-3 years!"

Q: Why do Utes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: How do you make a Ute football player laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Q: Why do Utah Players workout seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: How do you confuse a Utah Student?
A: You can't. They're born that way.

Q: What is the difference between an intelligent Utah Alum and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

A Ute was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No." The next question, intended for people who had put "Yes" was "Why?" The Ute answered it anyway: "Never got caught!"

Q. How do keep a Ute from drinking too much?
A. Slam the lid on this head.

{Two guys are sitting in a diner}
Guy #1: By chance, are you a Cougar?
Guy #2: Yes, how could you tell?
Guy #1: Just by your sense of pride, & the way you carry yourself.
Guy #2: I see, hey, are you a Ute?
Guy #1: Why, yes, how could you tell?
Guy #2: I saw your class ring while you were picking your nose.

Q: How do Ute brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a Ute with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What do you call an intelligent person in Rice-Eccles Stadium?
A: A visitor.

A BYU alum and a U of U alum were strolling down the street when the BYU alum said, "How sad - a dead bird." The U alum looked up and said, "Where, where?"

Q: What's the difference between a Ute fan and a dog?
A: Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.

Q:What is the difference between a Ute cheerleader and an elephant?
A: About 40 lbs.
Q: How do you equalize the two?
A: Feed the elephant.

A woman received some bad news one day. It seems that her husband had been in an accident and was brain dead. However, the hospital had perfected a new brain transplant procedure and luckily there were two brains available. A Cougar brain transplant would cost $10,000. A Ute transplant would cost $100,000. Curious, she asked why the Ute brain was so much more expensive. The reply...."The Ute brain has never been used."

Four alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different MoWest Conference School, and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally, as they reached the top, the Wyoming Cowboy hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for WYO!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the UNLV alum threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for the Runnin' Rebels!". Seeing this, the BYU alum walked over and shouted "This is for the Mighty Cougars!", and threw the Ute off the side of the mountain.

Q: What does a Utah grad call a BYU grad?
A: Boss.

Helpful life long skills checklist presented to each graduating senior at the U of U Commencement Ceremony:
1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.
10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an E-Mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.

A man died and was sent to #@%!. As he was being led down the path, he noticed a Ute he had known back in the land of the living. The Ute had one of the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen draped all over him. The man began to complain to the devil about all the bad things he heard were going to happen to him, and questioned why the Ute had such an attractive woman. To this the devil responded, "How dare you question the way things are here? How dare you question thatwoman's punishment."

Q: What are the seven words guaranteed to break a Utah cheerleader's heart?
A: "Sorry miss, this is not a buffet".

Q: What do you have, when you have 20 Utah Fans in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead Utah fan on the highway?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

If two Utah grads get a divorce, are they still considered brother & sister?

Q. What does a Ute yell when they discover a rat in the kitchen?
A. Dinner's ready!

A few years back, there was a popular defensive lineman that played for the University of Utah. When it came to be towards the end of his senior year, the guy (we'll call him Butch) found out that he didn't have enough credits to graduate. He went into to the administration building at the U and pleaded with the dean to let him graduate, but to no avail. He had to have the same amount of credits as his fellow students if he wanted a degree of any sort. Well, it came to be that time of year, and Butch decided he would show up at his graduation ceremony anyway, regardless of whether he was getting a diploma or not. As each student was called up to receive their degree, a chant began growing through the crowd. It grew and grew until it became a stomping and roaring yell of "Let Butch graduate!! Let Butch graduate!!" They came to the end of the students and the dean, fearing a riot if he didn't comply, called Butch up to the podium as the crowd erupted in cheers. "Butch," he said into the mic, "I'll let you graduate if you can answer me this ONE question. What is four plus two?" Now Butch stepped back and contemplated for a long period of time. You could practically see those rusty wheels turning as he thought about the possibilities. After a considerable pause, he stepped up to themic and said, "Uhhh, six?" A hush fell over the crowd, until the next chant began. "Give him another guess!!! Give him another guess!!"

Q: What do you get when you breed a Utah Football player and a groundhog?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly a ewetz fan), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." Two ewetz football players are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. He opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second ewet says, "Here, let me see!" So the first ewet hands him the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

A Ute cheerleader suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the cheerleader is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The cheerleader replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

A Ute basketball player was bragging about his knowledge of state capitals. He proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The Ute replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

Q: What did the Ute cheerleader say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"

Returning home from work, a ewet engineer was shocked to find his house ransacked and burglarized. He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the ewet engineer ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, Then sat down on the steps. Putting his face in his hands, he moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Q. What do a BYU student and a Utah student have in common?
A. They were both accepted at the University of Utah.

Q: Why can't they have a nativity scene at the University of Utah?
A: They can't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q: How many U of U students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one ... but she will get three credits for it.

There are three engineers. One graduated from Utah State, one from BYU, and one from the U of U. Each engineer asks a particular question quite often in his field of work. Utah State Engineer: I wonder how this works? BYU Engineer: I wonder how I can make this work better? U of U Engineer: Would you like some fries with that?

News bulletin- The University of Utah Library burnt down yesterday. There was $5.54 worth of damage. It would have been a lot worse but the coloring book was checked out.

Q: How do you get a University of Utah graduate off your front step?
A: Pay him for the pizza

Q: What is the difference between a University of Utah graduate and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

A BYU fan walks into a restaurant in Salt Lake City giggling to himself and sits down at the counter. The bartender asks "what's so funny" and the BYU fan says "I heard the funniest U of U joke. Let me tell it to you". "Wait just a minute buddy," the bartender says, "See that table right there? the guy sitting there is the all-time record holder in wrestling from the U of U, and that booth over there are 2 lineman on the Utah football team, and I lettered in 3 sports at the U. So if you still want to tell that joke in here go ahead". "Nah" the BYU fan says "I don't want to have to explain it four times"

A BYU grad and a Utah grad both apply for the same job, and after several interviews it is narrowed down to the two of them. The recruiter brings them both in and says "You are both qualified for the job, so we are going to give you one final test. Whoever gets the best score, will get the job" So the two sit in a room and take the test, turn it in, and sit and wait while it gets graded. Pretty soon the recruiter comes in and tells them "You both only missed one question, but I am going to give the job to the BYU grad." This makes the U alum mad, so he jumps up and says "If we both got the same score, why does he get the job." The recruiter looks and him and replies "Well, you both missed the same question, on the Y's questionaire he put 'I don't know', and you put 'Me either;"

Q: What is the difference between a U of U co-ed and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

Riddle: In a room with four corners, there are four mammals. One corner has the Easter bunny, another has Santa Claus, one has a beautiful Utah coed, one has an ugly Utah coed. If a treasure was placed in the middle, which of the above would claim the prize? Answer: The ugly Utah coed, because none of the others exist.

A Utah coed went to the health center. "I have a cold in my head," she told the nurse. "Well, that's better than nothing," the nurse replied.

It takes at least three Utah coeds to play hid-n-seek. One goes to hide and the other two try to figure out who left.

Utah coeds have that far-away look. The farther away they get, the better they look.

Q: What has an I.Q. of 144?
A: Twelve Utah freshman.

If a Utah coed ever said what she thought, she'd be speechless.

Q: Why do Utah coeds wear stripes?
A: So you can tell if they're standing up or lying down.

One day an employee at Hogle Zoo hears a strange noise from the rhinoceros pen. Upon investigation he hears the Ute fight song coming from near one of the very large males. Stunned by this he calls the whole staff in. They quickly isolate and then sedate the rhino so they can investigate further. Sure enough the Ute fight song seems to be coming from right out of the derrière of this huge beast.

They call the local animal specialists who happens to be a BYU fan, to come over immediately. The employees bring the specialist into the pen and sure enough the Ute fight song is still playing. The specialist seems completely unimpressed.

"Are you the least bit surprised by this?", asks one of the zoo employees.

The specialist looks at the rhino and then back at the employees.

"Not really, I've hear that song coming out of yewt-holes for the last four years."



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RIVALRY PICS HERE http://www.cougarboard.com/noframes/messa ge.html?id=2280023
Originally posted on Nov 20, 2006 at 1:35:38pm
Message modified by on Nov 20, 2006 at 1:35:38pm
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