now.

The thing you HAVE to understand is that there are two different elements to addiction:

Physical- the physiological dependency that your brain's neuroreceptors have developed for the chemical- which causes your body to go into withdrawal, when you go without.

Emotional/Psychological- a lot of people who take painkillers for an injury, but then continue to take them due to sadness, anxiety, trauma. Basically, they have an emotional issue that they're trying to mask by essentially numbing out.

You HAVE to deal with both.

I actually started getting really serious migraine headaches, a few months into my mission. I went to multiple doctors, had multiple tests performed, and took at least two dozen different medications- headache meds, muscle relaxants, depression medications, allergy medications, blood pressure medications, etc. Nothing worked. Finally, with about four months to go, a doctor gave me percocet...

It was amazing! It was like being wrapped in a rainbow, riding a unicorn through the clouds. I remember thinking "Where have you been all of my life, baby?"

The thing is- I actually had a pretty bad- but undiagnosed anxiety problem. I was a very Type-A personality- had a lot of expectations for myself, generally- but especially as a missionary.

So, when I first took percocet- it totally eliminated my headaches. But it also eliminated my anxiety, self-doubt, insecurity, etc. As a result, I felt like I had found a miracle drug. And as absurd as this might sound, I was psychologically addicted after my very first pill.

When I went home from my mission, I continue taking the painkillers, and as everyone knows, you eventually become physically dependent.

I got married 11 months after I got home to my mission. My wife knew everything about the painkiller situation and I didn't hide anything from her. But after two years, as you can imagine, my addiction had become a problem, and she gave me an ultimatum- her, or the pills. I chose her.

I started going to an outpatient rehab center. They put me on a fantastic drug- called suboxone- that eliminated the physical withdrawal symptoms. The only problem was that I hadn't dealt with my underlying anxiety issues, and so, even though I was no longer physically dependent, I was still totally psychologically addicted. I craved percocet night and day... and my sobriety only lasted a few months. (Ironically, the rehab place I went to- Lifetree Pain Clinic- were the same people who put me back on the painkillers. That clinic has since been forced out of business.) By 2007, I was taking methadone, 8 percocet, and 6 oxycodone every day. (I never obtained pills illegally, or by any other means. It was one Dr.)

Finally, my bishop intervened, and found me a therapist... It was among the greatest tender mercies of my life. The therapist actually helped me recognize the anxiety issue. And helped me heal the emotional wounds for which I was taking the drugs... The psychological issues were finally being treated.

And it was then that I was finally ready to get sober for good. I continued seeing my therapist. But I also went to a doctor who put me back on the suboxone. I also had a guy who was kind of a "life coach" who helped coordinate my appointments- and was someone to whom I had to be accountable.

My first attempt at sobriety was a catastrophic clusterflub. My second- and last attempt- was actually very very smooth. (I won't say it was easy, because my body went through enormous pain and discomfort during the first few weeks and months. But it was a LOT less difficult than I expected.) I took my last percocet on June 17, 2007- and I haven't even felt tempted a single time.

I FULLY acknowledge that I was lucky, and blessed to have an inspired bishop, and great therapists and doctors. The last thing I want to do is to appear cocky or arrogant. The experience was actually very humbling.

If you would like to send me a private message, feel free. (I'm sorry... maybe I'm immature, but I just can't use the popular CB acronym for board mail. "BM me dude!" The only person who uses that acronym in real life is my grandma... talking about her bowel movements... at the dinner table.) 😏 At the very least, I could connect you with the "life coach" I used. He and I live in Davis County, but he has a very large network, and might be able to give you names, facilities, or at least initial guidance. He would talk to you for free, I'm sure. (He deals with ALL addictions- not just opiates.) I have no doubt you would benefit by talking to him.

If not, that's okay. I'm still praying for you, and wish you nothing but success, on the difficult but TOTALLY worth it path ahead. (The path is hard, but it's actually better than the hell of addiction.)

For now, I'd just give you the following advice:

1. If you're going to succeed, you HAVE to be 100% transparent and honest with your doctors, your therapists, your family, your friends, and most imperatively- yourself. Don't be prideful. Don't keep any secrets. You have to go all in.
2. You have to do it for YOU. You can't get better just because someone wants you to. YOU have to want it too!
3. Listen to your doctor, and do EVERYTHING he tells you to do. And don't take anything he doesn't give you.
4. As I mentioned above- you also need to deal with your emotional addiction. Find a great therapist- and really commit to opening up.
5. You will be 1000× more successful if you have someone to hold you accountable.

#6 is the most important, and the most difficult:

6. Forgive yourself! Even after I was sober, I struggled with guilt for a couple of years. I felt guilty for wasting those years that I was addicted. I felt guilty for letting God down. I felt guilty about a lot of things. And to be honest, I held on to that guilt until the first time that I held my newborn baby daughter. It was in that moment that I realized how much I loved her, and that nothing she could ever do would ever make me love her any less. And then it occurred to me, that God's love for me is even more perfect than my love for my daughter. I've since realized that going through this has made me stronger, and better. It enlarged my capacity to love and feel empathy for others- especially my family. This chapter in your life doesn't have to define you. It CAN refine you.

Best of luck, my friend. As I said- if you want- feel free to send me a message.

I thought about sending THIS post as a private message. But then I decided that other people might be struggling with this, or know people who are. And even though I'm sure one or two people might judge me- especially because I'm a Ute. (I'm a stereotype! NOOOOO!) But, if ANYONE benefits from reading this... then it's worth being judged by a couple self righteous Cougars. 😉

👍