The "abusive" ones were those who left the marriage so they could continue to abuse the slaves. Rather than abide by the constitution (which is a living document and provided for representatives to vote on what laws to abide by in the land) they decided to leave and while leaving take property that belonged to the federal government and wage war on what was left of the government.
So in your analogy it's OK for the wife to leave the marriage, take the kids, abuse them and forcefully take the house. And the husband shouldn't do anything about it?