Engineer in an electrical engineering field ( UL) and then dropped out and walked away from all of that and spent 5 years just becoming qualified to apply to a PhD in neuroscience program. Attended for the first year and then lost funding and got divorced and was forced to drop out for financial reasons.....now I’m detailing cars, teaching high school, and selling solar panels door to door to make ends meet .... and loving life. It’s looking like I might be a good fit with a faculty member at BYU’s neuro doctorate program... so in the end wouldn’t that be great if after all of this I end up getting to go to BYU AGAIN??! I’m 35 and won’t likely graduate until I’m in my 40’s but oh well. Such is life...

That said, it would be really interesting to gather stories like this and compile them as a research and motivational source to encourage people to find what they love - what they were put on this planet to do, to “keep looking and don’t settle”...no matter what age...never be okay with fading away, stepping in line to walk amongst the dead, or pursuing something that makes you feel bad or lesser or even just unmotivated. To be able to first take the plunge and walk away is a huge terrifying first step and then to tolerate ambiguity for an extended period of time especially in the face of friends family and church members etc who start looking down on you or harass you (however well meaning) every time they see you asking “sooo...have you found a job yet, what do you do all day, WHATS YOUR PLAN??? To be able to endure through that ... it takes a tremendous amount of determination, strength and energy. It took me a while but but I finally found my tribe of other passionate seekers who feel the existential angst like I do...it was the first time in my adult life that I made real genuine friends.

So my advice is this:

1. Your depression is actually a blessing in disguise. It’s your soul telling you that you’re not on the right path, you are not becoming what you have the potential to be, or just something needs to change. Learn to listen to it and see how it changes depending on your actions. When you make choices that are higher (more yourself) you will feel an inner calming and peace. And vice versa.

2. Once you figure you out and heal traumas and programming from your childhood that is still perniciously intruding upon your life, start doing things exclusively that make you excited. Find your passion. BEGIN TO CONSTRUCT YOUR OWN PERSONALITY IDEAL. Start moving towards it.

3. Find your tribe. Don’t be afraid to lose those who are in your life now that won’t be comfortable with the person you become as you advance in your development. I’ve learned that a lot of the people who rejected me or discarded me or fired me or left me or even disrespected me that it had more to do with their discomfort of my authenticity and their insecurity than it did with me. A lot of people are uncomfortable with those who keep it real...especially if you are keeping it real in a mostly positive way. People mistake being real with being cynical and blunt. Nope. Maybe sometimes, but I find when I’m being most real, I’m just being curious and passionate and optimistic and kinda silly with others.

4. Learn to self-educate and meditate. Search “autopsychotherapy” - where you eventually become your own therapist. It was first coined in K. Dabrowski’s Theory of Positive Disintegration.... look that up too. One of the common early stage symptoms of personality disintegration are depression and despair and suicidality along with self mutilation.

5. You will never find greater purpose and joy in your life than your kids. Procreation and fatherhood are literally the gateway to a fullness of joy. There is no accomplishment, career, whatever that will ever be greater than your successes in the home. Because of that, remember, because of that little guy, you now have a significantly greater chance of staying alive. He’s literally keeping you afloat even if he just seems like a constant reminder of your inadequacies and shortcomings. Nope. He needs you, and more importantly you need him. Embrace it. You are a lucky man.